Well here I am still alive and dare I say it, maybe moving forward slightly?
It is just too much to cope with so I guess at some point the heart says, you know what lets start to heal, I hope anyway.
I am really trying to be positive, even when all I want to do is lay down, close my eyes and never open them again, I try.
I am still crying all the flipping time (when will this ever end?) but I find sometimes I can check it instead of it bringing me to my knees every time. I look upon this as a major step forward (for the 3rd or 4th time), as my friend says, "Baby steps".
It doesn't help when I am being completely ignored, there is no communication other than from me and I found myself getting really frustrated and angry, I don't want this as I have no idea to this day why we are where we are, so, I don't want to sink to the level of hate or extreme dislike.
Conclusion, I am taking a huge step back and seeking legal help to retrieve my belongings and finding out how to get things sorted out. I guess this is what I need to do to let go?
I wish I understood why, but I would need to know why in the first place. I now realise I will never be told, as I would now guess the ex Mrs never knew why either. How very very sad is that! How very very sad he will one day be!
I need to find Joy again, I just can't see how right now but I will try, I will look and I will hope for some kind of future! Oop's here I go again, it's the future thing that starts me off. How do I do a future with no one in it? How do I make a future with no money. How, how, how. Why, why, why?
I know this will sound negative but it is also positive! I have been living off nothing for the last month. Food wise I have no meat except a humongous leg of pork, which for some reason I have kept hold of ( just in case). I have been living off what is in the larder as even the freezers are empty of meal making things other than a couple of bags of veg, which I am using. So a lot of rice, making vegetable risotto mainly. Some pasta with tomato sauce made from the little I have bought this month (toms, cucumber and a little Sirene cheese). I have made loads of Wheaten Soda bread, Lemon curd and Jam also had mayonnaise so none of this has helped my diet, sadly!