Sunday, 29 December 2013

Where Have I Been

First I must apologise for not posting for such a long time.  I have been asked over and over, where are you?

I am very, very sad to say that in this time my marriage has come to an end. I will try not to go into details as this is a private matter and quite frankly I feel a complete idiot and fool.  I can say and share how I feel though and hope that getting back on track with my blog will be cathartic!

I have kept it quiet apart from close friends and family for over 10 months, which is when I left my home. We were "separated" in this time and working on our relationship.  We get on so well and have always been very close friendship wise that people are shocked and amazed, as even separated we look perfect together, this is also what makes it so hard for me.
Anyway you can't make someone be in love with you, so this is how it is now and as life goes on so must I.
I have cried every day for so long I have lost count but I know this is right for me. I know tears are a healing process and I have been through many stages. and feelings. When I was in church they always used the analogy of an onion, makes me cringe I heard it so much, but it is sort of apt for the grieving process. So many stages to go through, so many layers to peal away it scares me, many of you will know how this feels and how awful it is. I can't wait to be out the other side into happiness, so much sadness strips life of any joy whatsoever. I want to feel happy and joyful again.
Then there is the fear, fear of being alone for the rest of my life, fear of having no one care if I am ill (I am not including family in this as they are so far away). There is nothing more secure to me than having a loving husband beside me making sure I am safe and cared for and intimacy that can only come from being in love with someone, someone who has your heart & soul.

I miss my life so much, we were so very happy and  now I am just a wrung out blob on the floor, well sort of how I feel, no energy through crying so much.

So I will attempt to catch up on the big void in my blog. I hope you can put up with the myriad of feelings and life roller coaster I find myself on. It is another aspect of life in Bulgaria, life alone, life I never thought would happen, life ripped apart without family support. You never know who it may help someone you know one day, although I truly hope not.

Obviously I can only communicate on my behalf, there is two sides to every situation. I do not and I am not, aware of the other side, this is the sadness of non communication

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